My Writings. My Thoughts.
Sven Goran Eriksson
/ April 18th, 2009 / No Comments » / Celebrity Portraits, cartoons
With his famously roving beady eyes and beige-toothed grin, the meaning has been left beautifully ambiguous in this incredibly lifelike portrayal of the inspirational ex-England manager and cash-hungry friend of that iffy Thai geezer, Sven Goran-Erikkson.
Perhaps it’s a moment of triumph as the ball ricochets into the net off the arse of a hapless Albanian centre-half to clinch a pulsating, historic last minute 1-0 victory? Maybe a buxom young intern at Football Association Headquarters bending over to retrieve some paperclips the careless Swede has ‘accidentally’ knocked off his desk? Inscrutable as ever, the ice-man of the dugout gives nothing away, and that’s exactly what makes this study so compelling.
John ‘Motty’ Motson
/ April 18th, 2009 / No Comments » / Celebrity Portraits, cartoons
Master of the mic, colossus of the commentary box, the viscount of voiceovers, it’s every football fan’s favourite John Motson in full flow, laying down some fly narration on the scene below.
Particularly alluring is the ambiguity of the several beads of sweat trickling from under his flaxen hair; perhaps as David Beckham, having just won a penalty, strides purposefully towards the ball before it’s inevitable ascent into the highest tiers of the stand? Maybe in response to the searing Summer temperatures in Berlin, a situation not helped by his resolute refusal to remove his sheepskin coat? Perhaps his encyclopaedic knowledge of the beautiful game has suddenly and inexplicably failed him, his perspiration signalling an almighty panic attack as he seeks desperately to recall the favoured position of El Pedro Gonzales-Gonzales, hero of the Mexican World Cup Squad of 1954 - wing-back or conventional left-back?
"Aaaaaaarrrggggghhhh!!! The uncertainty is intolerable!" the panicked and ashamed Motty seems to be thinking, no doubt before hurling himself 200 feet onto the pitch below as an act of penance.
Andy Townsend
/ April 17th, 2009 / No Comments » / Celebrity Portraits, cartoons
Who could have guessed that the heart-stoppingly dull stream of arduous banter and slavish repetition of clichés we’ve come to expect from ITV pundit and all-round ass Andy Townsend are in fact a carefully constructed smokescreen, concocted by the demonic midfield plodder to mask his true identity as the direct descendant of Nosferatu, exclusively revealed for the first time right here in our sensational portrait?
In hindsight, though, the clues have been there for some time. How else to explain his appearance in the studio next to Gaby, craftily eyeing up her neckline whilst dispensing nonsense about Togo’s Christmas-tree formation, mere moments after accompanying Ally McCoist on the touchline, prodding counters meaninglessly around a table whilst conveniently allotting the advertisers’ pitchside hoardings valuable screentime? Only one method allows a man such rapid movement between byline and gantry, and that is transformation into bat.
Townsend is said to have deflowered a startling number of frauleins in the back of his ‘Tactics Truck’ whilst touring the stadia of Germany before draining their blood and moving on to the next match. Yet despite offering Gaby a ‘deeper analysis after the show’ on numerous occasions, his advances towards his one true love have so far been spurned. There are thought to be two main reasons for this; firstly, she is far too good for him, and secondly, she has been spotted on several occasions conducting passionate moonlight trysts with Sky Sports presenter Richard ‘Wolfman’ Keyes, who as owner of the hairiest hands known to science Gaby finds impossible to resist.
Camilla Parker Bowles, Arch-Duchess of Newquay
/ April 17th, 2009 / No Comments » / Celebrity Portraits, cartoons
Captured during an intimate moment staring down from the balcony of Buckingham Palace in which the newest member of the royal family contemplates which she despises more, the Queen’s dogs or the poor, this exclusive portrait glimpses ‘Cammy’ in all her ravaged glory. In particular, the contrast of strong, almost violent pen strokes with the tender attention to detail present in the simple string of pearls make this a truly remarkable representation of a complex and often misunderstood woman.
HRH Crown Prince William Windsor of England-land
/ April 17th, 2009 / No Comments » / Celebrity Portraits, cartoons
It’s no surprise the heir to the throne is known as ‘the heart-throb prince’, as our stunning rendering confirms. Young William, 35, seems to win over new admirers all the time with his gleaming smile, easy-going charm and simple minded wit. Whether scrumming down for a game of ‘rugger’ with his chums or dismounting with a satisfied grin on the polo field as our portrait shows, William loves being in touch with the common man, and to reach out and touch common men everywhere. Truly an icon of our times.
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