Sandwiches Corner

The summer’s most interminable transfer saga has taken a shocking new twist just days before the transfer window slams shut until January, with the news that Cristiano Ronaldo is to get his move away from Manchester United after all – although it may not perhaps be the ‘dream’ switch he had hoped for.

Whilst participating in an empty, vacuous photo-opportunity arranged by his handlers in poverty stricken Guatemala in an attempt to convince the Portuguese virtuoso’s merchandise hoovering public that he’s not quite the slavering greed-merchant he so patently is, Ronaldo’s trusted agent and close friend Juan-Pablo Handwash had to break the surprising news that the English champions had decided to cash in on the want-away winger by offloading him to Deportivo Impetigo, regional champions in Guatemala’s premier Leprosy League, played out between 20 neighbouring village teams, and known as one of the world’s toughest and most demanding competitions.

With a colossal fee funded by the national government’s handing over the entire nation’s annual GDP in order to bring a bit of much-needed glamour into their peoples’ lives, the player’s wages will be subsidised by the introduction of a new ‘Stepover Tax’, in which every leg shimmy performed by the starlet will require a local family to give one of their children into slavery, stitching together £45 replica jerseys at an enormous sweatshop churning out Ron-related cobblers to the masses.

Boarding a luxury private jet bound for Rio, Ronaldo’s team of advisors seemed as bemused as anyone at the unexpected turn of events, or at least, they were all smiling very widely. Even whilst being weighed down by innumerable bulging suitcases of cash, they were kind enough to share with Sandwiches Corner the exclusive information that part of the megadeal involved the construction of an enormous 3G base station so that Ronaldo could use his diamond encrusted iPhone to get in touch with former mentor Alex Ferguson for tactical advice, and to plead between sobs for a return to Old Trafford, even when the team are playing away from home. However, in a desperate telegram to our sports correspondent, Ronaldo has claimed there were critical problems with the transmission equipment, as several ‘confidential’ calls to the fiery Scot had returned only the sound of roaring laughter and whisky bottles being knocked over.