Sandwiches Corner

Yay! It’s the greatest economic depression in the history of the known universe! Coupled with the average Cornish wage being barely sufficient to rent an abode large enough to raise your arms in, let alone swing any kind of animal around, it’s unsurprising that any opportunity to snap up a home of your own that doesn’t involve working until the age of 400 or blackmarket vital organ trafficking (how much am I bid for one kidney, a bit manked up?) is likely to snag a few takers.

Desperate times these may be, but I’m still not handing over my lifetime savings of £17.45 and a bag of shiny buttons on the strength of a promise made by a weirdo on a billboard.

Would you cripple yourself with debt buying a house from this man?

There are 2 main reasons I find ‘Andy Parsons’ - if that is his real name - somewhat dubious.

a) “Owning your first home has never been easier”? Really? Maybe in some parallel dimension it has, one so absolutely contrary to our own that dogs shit rolls of fifties and Mr. Tickle has just been appointed governor of the Bank of England. But probably not here.

b) You look fucked, man. What the hell where you drinking last night? Is it cheap? Where do I get it?

Scope yourself out a good cave now and get a shotgun, that’s what I say. I’m hoarding every last bag of Monster Munch in mine, in anticipation of the coming apocalypse, so if you were thinking of popping down the shop for a bag of Pickled Onion, forget it.